Only On My Mind

Heather





Andrew

Heather sat on her bed with headphones on and a lab top in front of her. On the screen was a picture of a forest and beside her she sat bent over sketching with charcoal pencils. It was an early start to a long day but Heather hadn’t got much sleep the night before, secretly not taking her sleeping medication. Her mind was completely focused on her sketch, she had a gift and that was the ability to block her mind out to everything when distressed if giving the materials to do so. She was suffering depression and was handling it well, better than she would have a few years back. Today was the beginning for a new life, and the end of a friendship. Today her best friend was getting released from Ravenguard Psychiatric Hospital.

Andrew had been her friend since she had gotten transferred here three years ago from another hospital. The reasons were her family moved so naturally they wanted her closer, so she moved as well. Right from the beginning they ended up being like two pee’s in a pod. They had this connection, this bond that even the nurses could see. When they were around each other they were both content, happy. Of course both had their bad days; every mental patient had plenty of them. He was an older man in his middle forties. He had been at Ravenguard for a quarter of his adult life, being admitted by his family for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. If you saw him from afar you wouldn’t be able to tell unless you hung around him constantly like Heather did. He was a kind gentle caring man, he had a good heart. But he had disabilities that put him at a disadvantage.

After years of rehabilitation and therapy of various kinds he finally progressed in getting released. He was moving into a small house that was left to him that use to be his mother’s. In time he would start a job the hospital staff had help him get. He showed signs of being able to live in the real world, they would find out.

Heather was happy for him. She knew he wanted to see the outside world. Do things that he couldn’t in confined walls. He wanted a normal life. Heather was just loosing her best friend; he was like family to her. Few people associated with her hear, she would go back to being the lonely child she was back at the Childs ward. But she wasn’t considered a child any more; she would be turning twenty in a few months. Hopefully he would be pernicious, once released.

Andrew had gotten up early with a smile. This was the day of his last evaluation before being released. First person on his mind was Heather, like many mornings before now. The man stood from his bed and smiled happily. Walking over to the foot of the bed he touched the corner of the bedpost, one of his many OCD's that he had.

Andrew always had to touch the top of a pole that was under his hight, this included those on bedposts, fences or ones just being there. He walked ot his closet and tapped the knob three times before opening it, once again another OCD that made it hard for him in the real world out there.

Many people that knew him thought of him as strange and pathetic for everything he had to do. They always picked on him about them, especialy when he was walking and touched every fence post and drag his hand across a wall, wet dry or whatever, he had to drag his hand(one of my OCD's)

Finally the closet was open and he grabbed his shoes, fixing the laces and walking to his bed, setting them down on the floor. After that he walked to the closet again, grabbing a shirt and laying it on his bed, right where his body would be, he did the same with his pants and where his legs would be.

After that he closed the closet door, tapping it twice after it was closed. He then walked to his drawer that he kept his socks in. Andrew couldn't open them like normal people, once agian his OCD kept him from doing so.

His haand would pull on the handle, but only a little bit. His arm didn't even move just his hand till there was enough of a crack for him to open it from the top to get his socks out. After that he closed it with his foot, almost as if he was afraid ot get his hands near it.

Andrew sat on his bed, careful not to mess up his clothes, putting on his left sock. Standing after that he put his leg in his left pant leg, then his arm in his left button up shirt sleeve. He sat back down and put his right sock on, stood and finished dressing himself.

Buttoning up his shirt, skipping one each time and then coming back to the ones he skipped. Andrew slipped on his left shoe, tied it, making sure the bow was perfect, then the right doing the same.

Finally it was time to walk out of his room. HE tapped his room doorknob three times then opened it, closing it behind him and tapping it twice.

Thankfully Heather's room was only four rooms down. He turned ot the right to walk to her room, his hand dragging along the wall while walking to her.

Stopping at he door he turned, knocking, not stoping untill he got an answer.

Heather had her headphones on so she didn’t even hear Andrew knocking as she sketched away. She had charcoal stained on her left hand and right arm. She kept glancing back and forth at her lab top to her sketch. You would probably be wandering why a mental patient had a lab top. One it was she’s and brought by her family as a guilt gift. They parents had given special permission so it was just considered a belonging, it even had net access, she actually got free wireless off of the hospital’s net. Her psychiatrist every now and then requested to see her history to observe what sites she went to, same with her mp3 player.

Andrew knew she was either asleep or had her headphones on so he slowly turned the knob and saw her perched upon her bed at work. He saw her long black hair almost sheltering one side of her face, like a veil. She was dressed in teal scrubs and a gray plain t-shirt. Feeling someone’s presence she looked up and saw Andrew. There were a lot of day’s she saw the same smile, the kind see on an old man who watching his grandchildren play in the field, it was priceless. Today it hurt to see it and she had to hold the sketch board tight just to keep from letting any emotion out. After a few moments she slipped off her headphones half way.

“Hi...” she muttered softly with her narrowed eyes. She was almost hesitant to speak but kept staring at him. For three years she had spent every possible wakening hour. In less than six hours he would be gone, outside of these walls. She took her headphones off and pushed her sketchbook aside. She gazed back up at him again, and noticed he looked normal in his clothes.

The bright smile faded, he saw the look in her eyes. He walked closer to her and kept his eyes on the floor, making sure his foot was completely inside the lenolium tiles on the floor. Finally he made it ot her bed, which was normally a three to four minute process.

He turned and gently flattened a little spot on the bed and sat down, his hands between his knees, like always. "Heather. Is everything okay?"He asked. He knew it was his last day here, and she wasn't going to like it, but Andrew didn't know she was going to react like this.

His eyes scanned her and noticed she had charcoal on her hand and arm. Andrew always hated when she had it on her arm, this wasn't an OCD it was the fact that he hated it staining what he called her prefect skin.

Slowly his right hand moved from between his knees and rested on her knee and he smiled. This time not his usual smile, it was a soft gentle smile of comfort that a boyfriend would give a girlfriend.

Heather nodded but avoided looking at him as she did so. “Yeah.” She said wiping her stained hands on her teal scrubs staining them as well. She didn’t care. It was hard to believe in under less than half a day they were going to be separated and they were like family. The thought someone how almost baffled Heather. When she felt him place his hand gently on her knee squeezing it, she looked up to see that same kind adorable smile, but this time it even more gorgeous. Somehow she couldn’t smile, but fakes one trying not to cry. She looked down gulping as her eyes stung. She laughed out nervously and folded her arms together.

“Today’s your big day….you get out of this shithole.” Heather said sarcastically as she normally would, she did her best to choke out the words hiding her inner feelings. It was so hard for her to grasp the fact he wouldn’t be around; she would be alone to rot in this place.

Heather had been committed at the young age of 13, suffering bad depression. Her father had passed away less then 9 months before. She always showed having mood disabilities as a child but never anything she couldn’t get through. When she lost her father it was the start of her downfall. She tried to commit suicide twice, after the second time she merely tried to injure herself as badly as possible and her family, mother and stepfather admitted her. There after a year of evaluation she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD was short is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. At first they thought she was simply bi polar like most children. While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day. These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse.

People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike).

For years she had detached her self from everyone, even her own family. Until she came to Ravenguard, she met Andrew. The kindest man she had ever met. After a year or more she had let her self become attached, they became best friends, companions, and him a role model. Her disorder almost made that attachment an infatuation and obsession.

Andrew noticed that she was trying not to cry. His smile faded and his hand on her knee slowly moved away. "I will come to visit you"He whispered while placing his arm around her and holding her close in a very tight and comforting embrace.

In a way deep down Andrew started feeling bad for leaving her, but he couldn't stay in any longer now. She was the only person he could touch without them having to put on a long sleeve shirt to cover their arms. Another one of his OCD's that made it hard for him to cope with every day life.

Slowly he let go and looked at the ground."Heather, before I go for my last evaluation in an hour, we can do whatever you want, what do you want to do?"He asked softly with his sweet smile again. HE was getting nervous, his fingers twiddling while sitting there.

Heather nodded over and over like her head was record broken. “Yeah I know.” She said resting her head on his shoulder. She even realized how well they bonded, she was one of the only people he didn’t have his own OCD problems with. Heather stayed quiet not wanting him to let go and when he did she sat up rubbing her nose and stared at the ground.

“What did you want to do?” She asked shrugging, there wasn’t really much to do. Most of the time they stayed in the day room, outside in the fenced in area or in each other’s room talking.

Andrew smiled at her and put his arm around her lower back again."It's not up to me Heather, It's all up to you"He told her when he hugged her again. It was odd, after they became close he didn't have as many OCD "episodes" as he did with other people.

Yeah there where still some he did while around her, but not all. It was the strangest thing. He smiled at her, not once did Andrew think that she liked him, so he didn't realize how much pain she was feeling about him having to leave that day.

A few hours went by and they just ended up walking side by side through the complex would, almost like an older couple might do around a park or beach. They talked about random things staying way from subjects like memories and his new life that awaited him outside these walls. That was when a familiar nurse came down the hall toward them and they stopped. She smiled at them, and then told Andrew the doctor was waiting to see him, and then that they was going to transport him out. The nurse almost frowned when she saw the look on the young girls face. All the staff knew they were always way around each other. They never thought wrong of it with both of there illnesses; they saw it like he was a father figure. Even though to her it was much more.

Heather stared at the floor but knew this moment would of come and moving her head up, brushing her black bangs back she looked up at her old friend and smiled. She never smiled until she came to this facility and met him. “Andrew please be safe. Don’t let anyone, not anyone tell you your different or anything. I’ll miss you.” Heather wrapped her arms around him, and buried her head into his shoulder. The nurse heard this, as she was only a few steps and thought it was sad. It was amazing how they could even be close with his disorder, most of the time when most people had physical contact he freaked out.

Andrew was enjoying his last day with her. He had actually forgotten he was leaving. When the nurse approached him his smile faded just before he hugged Heather."I will be safe, I promise. And I will come to see you often"He whispered before kissing her on the cheek.


Andrew followed the nurse to the last of his evaluations before he left. The man wasn't quite sure what was going to happen after he was out, but he knew it would be different. So many years he had been in there away from the ouside world, in a way it scared him.

Heather stood there in awe just from the hug and small kiss he gave her. She looked down silently in a shy manner as he headed behind the nurse to see the doctor. She knew she would see him again, when he did visit, but it would never be the same. In a way, in her childish mind, she wanted to run out and grab him from behind and cry out in a protest, and never let go. But her thoughts counteracted her actual actions. She watched as he slowly followed the nurse, she saw him look back at her once, before turning. Heather had to bite her tongue from crying out, and turned on one heel and paced down the corridor. She headed straight to her room, and shut the door and flopped on her bed breathing out, looking mad.

Now she was alone, she felt like the same girl that got admitted over six year ago, who was a lonely adolescent. She rarely saw her family, they honestly wanted nothing to do with her, thinking she was inhuman for having irrational thoughts, had no friends, and had lost her only true companion. What was a girl to do in a situation like that?

Andrew followed the nurse and the doctor into the counciler office. He sat in the usual chair that the patiants sat in. He sighed and knew Heather was going through a rough time now. "Why can't I stay? I don't know anyone on the outside....I have no famly anymore."He said to the doctor as she entered.

A few day's had gone by since Andrew had left Ravensgaurd. The first night with out him there was exstremly hard. Knowing he was there was enough security sometimes to go to sleep. When she was having trouble sleeping or break downs he would be the first person she would go to. He would talk to her, comfort her, and they would sit together or walk around. Now knowing that he was in the real world, not even knowing if he was ok or if he would really come back she couldn't sleep. The nurses knew the next day she hadn't slept because she could barely stay awake through therapy.

That's when they they decided to keep a watch on her because she had a strong attachment, and with her disorder she might start showing signs of being harmful. Right now she was just depressed. The first day she had gone through therapy, ate and sat in the day room all day until bed time, in which she actually took there sleepig meds to go to sleep, so she passed out.

The second day went by and she slept in so late a nurse came in to check wake her up. She got up and ate and they made her go out side to get freash air, but all she did was sit outside under a tree with her knee's to her chest, with her arms wrapped around her legs. She sat there because that was where her and Andrew use to always sit and watch the others.

Andrew had called Raensguard and set up a time when he could come in and see Heather, he missed her and he had so much he wanted to talk to her about. His first night out he was sitting in his living room of the new home in the real world flipping through channels, he found pornography and rather enjoyed it.

At first he wasn't going to watch it but something ahppened, he got horny. Slowly he started to look at it more and more and later that night while his eyes where transfixed on the screan he had an orgasm, enjoying it but was scared by it at the same time.

Finally it was the day that he was going to see heather. He put on his clothes like always. He wore a nice white button up shirt and a pair of worn denim jeans. He was brought there by one of the medical sgtaff, who had trouble becasue of his OCD.

He woudlnt let her go over the speed limit, wouldnt get into the car untill the trunk and hood where popped open and then closed and woudlnt get in untill the car was starrted.


That morning before heather woke up a nurse walked into her room and told her that Andrew was going to see her.

A nurse awakened Heather the third morning with her daily meds. She was informed Andrew had called to scheduled to come in and visit with her today. Being surprised she rushed to eat breakfast and ready not being told when he was going to come. She couldn’t believe he was coming back, not after getting out, not even to see her. After showering and changing into a clean pair of scrubs, and a t-shirt, she waited in the dayroom. She kept watching the cartoons on the T.V wandering when he was going to show up. When it had already past noon, she couldn’t stay inside and asked permission to go out side. They let her and she walked around outside watching some of the staff play a basketball game.

She folded her arms, as a strong wind blew whipping her dark bangs in her face. Her mind had a lot on it. How long she was going to be confined herself? How Andrew was doing on the outside world? Why he was really coming back to see her. Her family even crossed her mind. Three days had passed since Andrew had left, Amazingly she hadn’t harmed herself or anyone else.

Andrew was lead to her room, the nurse that lead him left him there and told him to leave by nine that night. he nodded to show that he understood.

Andrew was told that Heather was still in her room and he knocked on the door, hoping she would answer and be happy to see him.

After being outside most of the after noon, the nurses made her get her lunch. She headed back to her room to distract her mind. When she headed back she ended up doing what she always did, playing on her laptop. She had music playing on medium, trance music. When she had gotten into the focus of writing, she heard a faint knock on the door and looked up slowly, completely forgetting that Andrew was supposed to visit her today. Pushing her self up she walked to the door figuring it was nurse or a patient.

When she opened the door she saw Andre standing there. Her face was deadpan as she stared at him flabbergasted, she hadn’t seen him in over three days, it’s the longest she had gone without seeing him. “You…you came.” She mumbled as if it was a question instead of a fact, but didn’t hesitate and embraced him in a hug, almost a tackle. This was always another amazing thing. Andrew couldn’t stand being touched, never the less, physical contact by most people, but as with everything else, when it came to Heather, it was like she got away with anything.

Really she tried not to be like that either knowing his problems, but instinct took over and she just wanted to hug him. Her face pressed into his shoulder smelling his scent. She remembered it so well, her eyes almost watered from joy, she had missed him so much.

Andrew smiled when he saw Heather. She was the only one that could touch him without going into a panic attack. He smiled, slowly wrapping his arms around her. To him she smelt like
roses and tulips, his favorite flowers. He slowly took in a breath through his nose, taking in that sweet scent.

"Of course I came, why wouldn't I?"He asked as his hands actually moved gently on her back , rubbing it gently. Never once did he do that to her in the past, it was like he was over his OCD's, but he wasn't."Mind if we, well stay here for the rest of the day just to talk, the two of us?"He asked while slowly pulling away from her, a huge smile on his face.

Heather looked at him, seeing his adorable smile. He seemed so much more relaxed, but he was never really tense when in her presence. Heather nodded quickly like a little kid and stepped back letting him come in. She saw a nurse down the hall getting the patients medication ready for the evening. Heather let the door shut, as she moved over toward her bed. She grabbed her books, and laptop and put it under her bed.

She turned back around to face Andrew. “You look good…you seem happy.” Heather said tilting her head in bewilderment. She was just glad to see him. Heather tried to pretend she was functioning correctly, when on the inside she was barely keeping it together since his departure.

Andrew smiled and sat down on his usual spot on her bed."I am quite happy."He said, his smile never leaving his face. "I..Uhm.."He said with his face turning red. Slowly he leaned closer to heather."I..watched porn for the past three nights"He whispered into her ear.

Just at the mention of it Andrew was starting to get aroused, gently he pushed down on the bulge in his pants to try to hide it from Heather. Never once did he get aroused when with her, well not like this anyway.

Heather was quiet and then leaned back examining his expression. She didn’t notice he was aroused because she normally didn’t pay attention to that part of him. She did notice his face was red and he sounded like a little kid confessing. Heather busted out laughing out of nowhere. She wasn’t laughing at him, it was just funny. He had been an older man locked in an asylum, he didn’t have access to the Internet like she did, so of course he hadn’t ever watched them things.

“Ah I see.” Heather said trying to keep a straight face. “Well that must have been exciting.” She said with sarcasm and leaned back on her hands. Inside her own thoughts spoke.

Hell if you wanted to watch porn, I could of got it on my damn computer and deleted the history before they checked it. You’re just looking for excuses, because he got out and your still in here. Of course while you was out watching porn, I got to endure large dosages of sedatives without trying to climb the walls she thought to herself.

To Andrew it actually was very exciting. His smile faded and he looked away when he heard the sarcasm in her voice. Andrew didn't know what porn was till the night he was released. Her sarcasm and laugh prior to it, in away struck him deep and had hurt him.

The man's arousal had quickly vanished while he looked out the window, watching the birds chirp and fly around. He had been stuck in there for far too long. He found something of a dirty hobby and he couldn't wait to tell his best and only friend about it. But when he did it ended up striking him abit harder then he had expected.

There was a knock at the door and Heather sighed rolling her eyes. She knew that was the nurse. Since Andrew had left they would check her hourly to make sure she wasn’t destructive in anyway. Heather opened the door and the nurse was smiling and checked them, when she saw Andrew was visiting she nodded. “Hope your doing well Andrew.” She said. She handed Heather a small cup of pills. “I don’t to be knocked out now.” She said making a face, the nurse stood her ground. She took the pills and drank the water. She opened her mouth and the nurse nodded. “Good girl, enjoy your visit.”

When the nurse left Heather shut the door scowling and spit out the pills and threw them in the sink in her bathroom. She walked out wiping her mouth and sighed. It was obvious they were keeping a closer eye on her since he left. “Fun stuffed.” She murmured looking out the window.

Andrew jumped abit when he heard the knock on the door, turning just in time to see the nurse enter the room. He smiled, waved to her, keeping his lips close to his body as he could."Oh, fine just fine"He said to her.

Andrew still couln't have physical contact with anyone without them warning him first, only Heather was able to touch him without him going into a panic.

Watching Heather he sighed."what where the pills for?"He asked softly before thinking of the porn. The older man couldn't help but think thoughts of the two of them messing around just like two people did in porn, even though as far as he knew he didn't harbor any feelings for her but friendship.

“Well once is like a stronger anti psychotic, and the other is a sedative to keep me tame. Apparently they think I’m going to climb the walls.” She joked rubbing her face. She shrugged it off and walked back over sitting on the bed. Though she wasn’t going to admit that had good reason for doing so, because she wasn’t far from it.

She had no idea what was on Andrew’s mind. But even though he may have not felt anything but strong friendship for Andrew, she was obsessive over him. She saw him as more than just a good friend, he had been her crush for some time, but of course that was kept to herself.